Ever since I received a cookie letter press a couple of Christmases ago, I’ve been a bit obsessed with inscribing inspirational messages on cookies. See my Fuck Cookies™ as an example. I like putting messages on cookies because a) you truly get to eat your emotions and b) it’s good spelling praktice.

The one drawback with my cookie letter press is that it’s round. So I’m limited to round cookies. And messages with more than five letters have to go around the perimeter of the cookie. Which makes people dizzy when they read it.

While on eBay one night, I discovered a horizontal cookie letter press. And it was only $1.99 – shipping included! From China! How is this a good business model? Anyway, I promptly ordered it and waited patiently. A month later, it came, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Here are the Valentine's cookies I made, each with its own heartfelt message. As far as I’m concerned, these are way better than those boring old sweethearts (or whatever they’re called) because my creations are bigger, more honest and, most important, made of choclit.

Whatever you get up to this Valentine's Day, remember that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. And the only thing greater than self-love is choclit. Lots and lots of choclit.