Fuck Cookies™

I’m a big believer in emotional eating. Do you come home at the end of the day and want nothing more than to work your way through a container of Duncan Hines Whipped Vanilla Frosting? Go right ahead. And don’t forget those Pizza Pockets in the freezer.

Recently,  I got to thinking – why not make some cookies with my letter press that really let you eat your emotions?

Introducing my new line of Fuck Cookies.™ Each one has a special, inspirational saying to help you deal with whatever challenges life fucking tosses your way. Eat up!

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The fuck that started them all. 

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You can trying calling this number. But I can pretty much guarantee you'll be put on hold for a year.


Clusterfuck is a term that refers to a bunch of people getting together and no one knows what the fuck is going on. In other words, politics.

If my mom swore, she'd probably say this. As in, "They upped the price of a wash-and-set to twenty dollars, for fuck's sake!"

Your track pants are getting pretty tight, but one more cookie won't hurt, right? 

This can mean two different things. In the first instance, it can mean, “Oh, darn my life and all its miseries!” Or, if you’re wearing a harness, it can mean the other thing.

Hard day at the office? Peel off the pantyhose and eat a Fuck That Job™ cookie while you wait for Dominos to arrive.

When someone asks you to do something you'd rather not do, this is a reasonable response, so long as it's said respectfully and with a smile.

Chances are, not in the good kind of way. 

This is when you’re trying to convince someone to think you’re something you’re not. Usually, Spanx is involved.

A little known historical fact: The Fuckity Fuck was a dance craze in the early ‘50s. That is, until the moral majority stepped in. Still, you can find some seniors today doing the Fuckity Fuck in mall food courts.

If you’re on a date with someone and they ask you to come back to their apartment for this, I recommend getting away asap. Faking diarrhea usually works.

Not to be confused with Wholly Fuck. Which means something different. I think. 

Maybe I made these cookies. Maybe I didn't. (See what I just did there?)

Not recommended as a Mother's Day gift. 

I’ve noticed the younger generation dropping the “what” in front of certain phrases. The hell is that all about?

My Fuck Cookies™ are also multicultural. "Vaffanculo" is an Italian term of endearment usually said around the dinner table. 

This cookie is just for me because after all this baking, I'm pretty fucking wiped. Anyway, I'll be in front of the No Frills tomorrow selling my cookies, so drop by. I just hope those annoying Girl Guides don't beat me up like last time.