Best and Worst Store-Bought Baked Beans

Say the words “baked beans” and images of campfires, horses and Ennis and Jack trying to quit one another come to mind. I grew up eating my fair share of baked beans, usually with a side of white bread smeared with margarine. From time to time, I still crack open a can but never the pork and beans variety. Seeing that white cube of fat bobbing on the surface traumatized me as a kid and it still does.

I wondered – how many different brands of baked beans are out there? Before long, I had amassed 12 cans! This is testament to their popularity. After all, baked beans are cheap, convenient and high in fibre. (Which is testament to their poopularity.)

For my taste test, I stuck to the tomato sauce variety as much as possible and ate the beans straight from the can. No campfire required! I also kept my cowboy hat pulled down so I wouldn’t know which brand I was tasting.

Which brand had me tooting (my horn) and which brand left me half baked? Time to spill the beans! Here are my rankings, worst to best.

12) Bioitalia $4.49

While Italy is known for many things (pizza, Donatella Versace and hand gestures), baked beans don’t come to mind. I was dubious. Would these beans have me saying, “Mamma Mia?”

Tasting notes: I was saying “Mamma” all right; as in “Mamma, get these beans away from me!” They were watery and had absolutely no flavour. Now I know what my Italian mother-in-law must think when she tastes my cooking.

Verdict: Beans no buono

11) Bush’s Best Zero-Sugar Added $2.99

Bush’s produces approximately 80% of the baked beans consumed in the United States. I’m all for healthier options, so I thought a zero-sugar variety would be worth including.

Tasting notes: There was some depth of flavour, and some vinegary hints but, ironically, I found the zero-sugar beans too sweet. There was also an artificial aftertaste, which I’m attributing to the sucralose. 

Verdict: Zero interest

10) Selection $1.69

Selection is Metro’s house brand. Generic brands are always a wild card. On the one hand, they can be surprisingly good. On the other hand, they can disturb. There’s rarely an in-between.

Tasting notes: There was a unique taste – I’m just not sure what that taste was. It’s not that Selection was bad, but it left me puzzled in a way I shouldn’t be puzzled by baked beans.

Verdict: Not worth a hill of beans

9) No Name $1.50

Speaking of generic brands, I can’t think of anything more quintessentially “no name” than No Name canned beans, other than No Name rice crackers, pancake syrup and dehydrated minced onions.

Tasting notes: There were a lot of beans, and I thought the overall bean size was substantial. But the sauce was too thick and slightly congealed and didn’t have the flavour punch I needed.

Verdict: No magic beans

8) Sprague, $4.49

This brand is based out of Prince Edward County. For those unaware, PEC is an Ontario tourist destination with wineries and gift shops where you buy things you’d never buy back at home, like tea towels that read, “I like big bundts and I cannot lie.”

Tasting notes: There was a good ratio of beans to sauce and a nice smokiness, but overall, I found Sprague’s on the sweet side and I needed more tomato pop. After I was done eating, I dried my bowl with a tea towel that read, “Don’t worry dishes – no one is doing me either.”

Verdict: Throwing in the towel

7) Bush’s Best Original $2.17

While I tried to stick with tomato-based varieties, I couldn’t find one for Bush’s, so I picked up the bacon and brown sugar variety. The day after my taste test, I came across a can of Bush’s Homestyle with tomato sauce at No Frills. I was too lazy to photograph it, so while these photos show the brown sugar variety, my tasting is for the Homestyle. I know, I’m already confused myself.

Tasting notes: Bush’s is a bean leader, but like many of the other brands, these beans were simply too sugary for my tastebuds. I felt like I needed to brush my teeth afterwards.

Verdict: Sugar Bush

6) Clark Classic $2.29

Clark is a Canadian brand, based out of Montreal, and founded by William Clark in 1877. That’s a long bean history! Would these “fèves” be fire?

Tasting notes: Clark was hearty with beans, but not so much with flavour. They weren’t bad but weren’t a standout in terms of the other brands.

Verdict: Unreclarkable

5) Branston, $3.29

I bought this brand at a British speciality shop. If there’s one thing Brits do best, it’s baked beans. And chocolate, which they pronounce “choclit.” I liked the label design, but the dripping illustration seemed sexual. That said, it wasn’t the first time I’ve been aroused by beans.

Tasting notes: There was a good ratio of beans to sauce and, overall, I’d say these were the most attractive baked beans. They had a bright colour and an almost silky texture. But I found Branston a bit boring.

Verdict: Didn’t raise my beanpole

4) Heinz Deep Browned, $1.44

We’re about to dive deep into the world of Heinz beans. For clarity, this is the Canadian version. (More on that later.) This brand is the first that comes to mind when I’m hankering beans, although does anyone remember Libby’s?

Tasting notes: There was a tinny taste that I’ll attribute to the can, and the beans were a bit mushy. I also tasted an undercurrent of tomato soup. Overall, not a bad bean experience, but not great, either.

Verdict: My love didn’t run deep

3) Heinz British Style, $1.44

The second Heinz contender, also Canadian. I wondered what made these “British style” aside from the waft of steam (or London fog) on the label. Speaking of labels, if you want to make something British, slap on a double decker bus.

Tasting notes: Like Heinz Deep Browned, I found the beans mushy. A bit of tang set this apart from its competitors, but I’m still not sure what made this British style. Although I did watch an episode of “Coronation Street” while eating them.

Verdict: Missed the bus

2) Heinz Beanz, $2.49

Along with Branston, I picked up this British imported brand. Note the spelling of “beans” on the label. This is what’s wrong with the world today. Too many brands are mixing up words in the name of clever advertizing.

Tasting notes: Heinz Beanz were very tomatoey and saucy. They weren’t overly sweet and had good flavour that shone through. The beans were also firm and avoided the mushiness of its Canadian Heinz relatives.

Verdict: So far, the best kindz

1)  Amy’s Organic, $8.99

Holy crap, Amy’s was expensive! I support organic options, but nine dollars? These aren’t baked beans; they’re boujee beans.

Tasting notes: I hate when the most expensive brand wins. But I need to give Amy props. She was chock full o’ beans, had great flavour and, while the beans were a bit on the small side, I didn’t mind. Amy charged a lot, but she delivered.

Verdict: Can’t afford to buy them again

To close off, here’s a recipe for Fibre-Rich Bean Muffins from my 1994 Centennial Central School cookbook. Adding baked beans to muffins may seem unusual but I’ve seen way weirder ingredients in my kitchen.

Serve these at your next social gathering and guaranteed you’ll keep the conversation flowing – among other things. And no, you can’t taste the beans. They’re just like mini spice cakes. I put a walnut piece on top because I’m one of those Martha Stewartson types.

As for me, I’ve been eating the leftover beans every day this week. Yesterday, the police showed up at my door! Apparently, neighbours were complaining about loud noises coming from my house. I explained my baked bean taste test. The officer was empathetic and suggested I tell the neighbours I was taking trombone lessons. I thanked him and sent him on his way with a muffin.

Do you agree with my rankings? Is there a brand of beans I missed? Leave a comment and let the world know.

Sincerely,

Mr. Bean