As a kid, I don’t know what terrified me more at Halloween time: Getting too close to an open flame in my polyester costume, crossing the street at night while wearing a plastic mask with two tiny slits for eyeholes, or peering into strangers’ houses and seeing their unfortunate home decor choices.

The only payoff? The candy haul! But not all Halloween candy is created equal. I thought it was time to revisit some classics. I ranked 13 different kinds to determine the best and the worst, IMHO. I established a few ground rules. I didn’t include chocolate or potato chips because there’s no such thing as bad chocolate or chips. I also didn’t store my candy in a pillowcase. This may have affected the overall flavour.

Which Halloween candy treated and which candy tricked? Here are my rankings, worst to best.

13) Apple

I know, I know. It’s not candy. But there was always one Birkenstock-clad person on your route who dropped an apple into your sack and said, “It’s nature’s candy, bud.” Was there anything more depressing? And don’t get me started on the threat of razor blades. As if kids needed another reason to run the other way.

12) Suckers, particularly yellow

An assortment of multi coloured suckers.

Cue the sad trombone when you got a crinkly fistful of these tossed your way. Cheap cellophane-wrapped suckers truly sucked, especially the lemon kind. No kid ever asked for a lemon flavoured anything. Tasted like Pledge as a kid, tastes like Pledge as an adult.

11) Twizzlers

Twizzlers are like chewing strawberry flavoured extension cords. Their one redeeming quality is that you can bite the ends off and use them as straws. The only licorice worth anyone’s time were the long ropes of purple and green licorice. You could also use the licorice to tie your shoe if the laces broke.

10) Sugar Daddy Milk Caramel Pop

You don’t see these around much anymore. I suppose having a stranger answer their door on Halloween and asking, “Who wants a Sugar Daddy?” was problematic. Anyway, if you’re middle aged like me and have any dental work, please avoid this sticky sucker. I’m currently looking for a sugar daddy to pay for the three crowns and two molars I lost.

9) Rockets

It’s not that Rockets tasted bad, but these were usually the only candies lying around come mid-November. By that point, the wrappers had come off, so it meant picking them up one by one from the bottom of your pillowcase and dusting off the stale chip crumbs. Overall, Rockets are an okay candy, but only when the candy well has run dry.

8) Dubble Bubble

I can report that each pack still comes with a comic. I can also report that, just like when I was a kid, the comic isn’t funny. I can also report that, just like when I was a kid, the flavour of Dubble Bubble doesn’t last. I timed my piece and the flavour faded at exactly 3 minutes, 31 seconds. I can also report that if you go to bed with gum in your mouth, good luck getting it out of your hair in the morning.

7) Wax Lips

As a blossoming homosexual, no treat was more exciting than a pair of red wax lips. True, the lips didn’t have much flavour. And consuming large quantities of wax can lead to severe constipation in children. (I’m speaking from experience.) But these were small prices to pay compared to the joy of wearing your lips as you twirled around in your basement to the theme song from the TV show, Angie.

6) Candy Corn

Let’s cut to the chase: candy corn has no discernable flavour. I think its appeal is about the texture, a soft, waxy exterior that gives way to the cushiony interior. It’s all about the chew. Random fact: Candy corn was the closest I got to eating a vegetable between the ages of seven and nine.

5) Halloween Kisses

Infamous for their orange and yellow wrappers and considered by many to be the fruitcake of Halloween season, these weren’t as bad as I remembered. They were actually pretty good. They had a deep flavour, a soft texture, and a hint of spice. Before you give these candies the kiss off, you might want to give them another chance.

4) Tootsie Rolls

Like candy corn, I’ve never understood what Tootsie Rolls are supposed to taste like. Are they chocolate flavoured? Fudge flavoured? Brown flavoured? In any case, I used Tootsie Rolls once to make turds for a kitty litter cake. Once you have that visual in your head, it’s hard to unsee it.

3) Popeye Candy Sticks

I’m old enough to remember when these were called candy cigarettes. They even had a red tip on the end. But that was the ‘70s when cigarette smoking was part of the elementary school curriculum. (I excelled at French inhaling but always failed at blowing smoke rings.) Popeye Candy Sticks are still tasty. And still very addictive.

2) Popcorn Balls

Believe it or not, people used to give out homemade treats at Halloween. Mind you, they had to include their address, phone number, social insurance number, and their signed “I’m Not a Psychopath” declaration to reassure parents. You could taste the love in every popcorn ball. You could also taste the unpopped kernels. Which explains why I was a 10-year-old with partial dentures.

1) Caramels

I always thought people who handed out caramels, particularly Kraft Caramels, were wealthy. There was something so decadent about these little bronze-coloured cubes of gooey goodness. You knew you hit paydirt when you got a handful. Sometimes, I’d ask the people to adopt me, but they always said no, they already gave to charity the previous month. But I still got the caramels, which I guess was enough compensation for me.

And that’s a (candy) wrap! Did I miss your favourite Halloween goodies? Do you disagree with my rankings? Leave a comment!

Here’s a photo of yours truly from back in the day, keeping clear of lit candles. Happy Halloween!

A photo of a child in a Dracula Halloween costume. — “This wallpaper is hideous,” five-year-old Brian said to himself.