Best and Worst Non-Alcoholic Beer

With people trying to lead healthier lifestyles (present company excluded), the rising popularity of non-alcoholic beer makes sense. People still want the taste, not the accompanying alcohol or calories. But is it possible to find a non-alcoholic beer that doesn’t leave you feeling deprived?

I asked my former university roommates, Bill and Chris, to help me taste test 11 different brands of non-alcoholic beer. We drank a lot of beer during our student years, so we’re basically experts. I also ate a lot of sardine sandwiches back then, but that’s a traumatic road I’m not traveling down again.

The beers ranged from stouts to lagers, and from national brands to craft breweries. That said, our sampling only cracks the tab of what’s available. This isn’t a definitive list by any means.

We wore blindfolds to avoid bias and Chris even brought plain rice cakes to cleanse our palettes between each tasting. (Apparently, it's a beer tasting protocol.) He also said the beer had to sit out of the fridge for 10 minutes so the flavour could blossom. Clearly, he was taking his investigative journalism work seriously. We individually scored each beer and combined our scores to determine the winner. To keep things classy, I photographed each beer in a Toronto Cricket Skating and Curling Club Oktoberfest mug I found at Value Village.

Which beer made us cheer and which brand left us hungover with disappointment? Read on to find out!

1) Heineken 0.0, $12.29 for six

Coming in at 69 calories a bottle, Heineken’s website states that its non-alcoholic version tastes different to regular Heineken. While it has the same characteristic fruit notes, it’s described as having a soft, malty body. This also describes what I see when standing naked in front of the mirror.

Tasting notes: Chris felt Heineken had too much of nothing. “Not enough taste,” he said before taking a bite of a rice cake. Bill felt Heineken started off strong before falling flat. “But I don’t mind it,” he said. I noted a bitterness that lingered, leaving an unwanted visitor in my mouth. Which was also a familiar experience for me in the early ‘90s.

Verdict: Heinecan’t

2) Sober Carpenter DDH Hazy IPA, $3.49

Carpentry is one of those professions you need to do sober, along with being a crossing guard, firefighter or bikini waxer. Bad things happen when alcohol and table saws mix. Brewed in Ontario, Sober Carpenter claims its IPA is reminiscent of vanilla orange creamsicle. As someone who’d rob my mom’s purse whenever I heard the Dickie Dee bells ringing, this sounded promising.

Tasting notes: “I wouldn’t call this a beer,” Chris said. “But I’d drink it to kill the desire.” Bill didn’t think it stood out enough and was indistinguishable from the others. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of IPAs. I don’t like the bitter citrus vibe. That said, Sober Carpenter came close to an alcohol version on its own merits. I didn’t taste creamsicle, though, so no ringing bells for me.

Verdict: Didn’t nail it.

3) Budweiser Zero, $14.82 for 12

With 50 calories per can, this alcohol-free brew also has zero grams of sugar and, according to the Budweiser website, is made for people who want to cut back on alcohol without missing the refreshing full flavour of their usual Budweiser.

Tasting notes: Bud was a dud for Chris. “The taste is terrible,” he said. “There’s no beer flavour at all.” Bill thought it was interesting. “It’s fruity and has a bit of a soda pop edge.” I thought Bud had full-bodied taste and gave it a thumbs up.

Verdict: These buds are divided.

4) Peroni Nastro Azzurro, $13.29 for 6

One of my favourite regular beers, Peroni hails from Italy, the country that’s brought us mopeds, panettone and that crooked tower everyone makes a big deal about. Peroni’s alcohol-free version claims to deliver the crisp, smooth and distinctive hoppy flavour of its regular brand.

Tasting notes: Chris guessed this was Corona on account of its citrusy taste. “It’s good, but not great,” he said. Bill thought it was Heineken. “It’s fine, but nothing special.” I thought it had more fulsome beer taste than some of the other varieties, but there was a bitter orange note that cost it points.

Verdict: Might taste better on a moped.

5) Bellwoods Stay Classy IPA, $4.50

Whenever I drink alcohol, staying classy has never been achievable. According to their website, drinkers are to think citrus zest and yellow grapefruit, alongside dank West Coast hop notes. I appreciated their use of the word “dank.” As a society, we need to use it more in our everyday language. Also, I was a big fan of the can’s design.

Tasting notes: Chris liked this one, saying the flavour matched the smell. “I wouldn’t have a lot, though,” he said. “Two would satisfy the desire for a regular beer.” Bill wasn’t a fan. “It tastes like someone poured water into a beer,” he said. My IPA prejudices aside, I gave Stay Classy high marks. It was trying hard to be something it wasn’t. Which also describes me in the early ‘90s.

Verdict: Chris and I weren’t dankened.

6) Clausthaler, $2.45

Billing itself as the “German pioneer of non-alcoholic beers,” Clausthaler is brewed in accordance with German Beer Purity Law. Clearly, the Germans take their beer seriously. According to their site, Clausthaler’s brewmasters combine the craft of brewing wisdom with new-age wisdom to deliver a game-changing drink.

Tasting notes: Chris thought this was Budweiser. “It’s like they diluted the malt and put fizzy water in its place,” he said. Bill thought it was a stout. “Tastes dark,” he said. “I could see myself drinking this on a cold day.” I didn’t like it. It had a molasses vibe. And the only time I like molasses is when it’s in a gingerbread cookie.

Verdict: Two of us were Claust-ophobic.

7) Partake Brewing IPA, $2.00

This Calgary-based brand boasted the lowest number of calories, coming in at just 10 calories per can. Partake describes itself as “happy, bold and citrusy,” three adjectives I aspire to be in my day-to-day life.

Tasting notes: Chris gave it high marks for smell, but not for taste. “It’s a bitter mess,” he said. “Like they jammed a bunch of hops in there.” Bill thought it smelled like a nice, fruity IPA and mostly carried through on that taste. “It’s just a little sour,” he said. I thought Partake tasted like a regular beer with a robust flavour that didn’t disappoint.

Verdict: We could’ve partaken in another.

8) Guinness, $11.49 for 4

A time-honoured Irish tradition, this non-alcoholic version is brewed the same way, but the alcohol is gently removed using a cold filtration method. I may have my Irish heritage revoked for saying this, but I hate the taste of Guinness. Would this version change my mind?

Tasting notes: We all guessed it was the Guiness. “It’s smokey,” Chris said. “Smells good and tastes good. It would satisfy my craving.” Bill thought it wasn’t as acidic as its alcoholic twin. “If the goal is to create a beer that tastes like a beer with no alcohol, this is it,” he said. All I got was the taste of soy sauce and beef jerky. That said, I hated the non-alcoholic version as much as the alcoholic version. Which is the highest compliment I can give it.

Verdict: Guinness gold

9) Corona Cero, $12.95 for 6

Impossible to think of without that lime wedge stuffed into its bottle neck, Corona claims this version has the same crisp and balanced taste of your favourite Mexican lager. It also contains 30% of your recommended daily intake of Vitamin D. So, this is basically health food.

Tasting notes: Chris said it didn’t have much smell. “Maybe a little citrusy," he said. “But overall bland. Not really beery.” (Is beery a word, I wondered?) Bill liked it. “I can imagine drinking more of these,” he said. I thought Corona had a satisfying and sparkling carbonation and a refreshing lightness. It didn’t come up short, even without the lime.

Verdict: This beery made us cheery.

10) Molson Excel, $11.00 for 12

I drank a lot of Molson Dry back in my student days. I also wore pirate shirts and so much Joico I.C.E. gel in my hair, a single strand could puncture someone if they got too close. This Excel version claims to retain full flavour and the aroma of traditional Canadian beers.

Tasting notes: “I thought it tasted like cider,” Chris said. “But then it didn’t.” I wasn’t sure what this meant, but I suspected Chris was enjoying the rice cakes more than the beers by this point. “This tastes like sarsaparilla,” Bill said, which caused confusion before he clarified he meant Sarasoda. I thought it started like a beer but ended as water. I was also very discombobulated by this point, given that I’d consumed 10 beers and was nowhere near drunk.

Verdict: Not excel-lent

11) PC Red Brew, $10.49 for 12

Chris added this to the mix because he said it was pretty good. I was doubtful. President’s Choice non-alcoholic beer? Just because you make a good chocolate chip cookie doesn’t mean you should dip your fingers into every pie.

Tasting notes: Chris gave it high marks and thought it had a good beer aroma. Bill thought it tasted more like a poppy which caused confusion before he clarified he meant Poppi. I thought PC had some promise, but its appeal quickly faded and left me gassy, just like PC Memories of Szechuan Sauce. I also screwed up the photo, as I only had half a can in the fridge which had gone flat. My apologies to Dave Nichol.

Verdict: Not seeing red

And the winner is…

This was a tough one. There was no clear front runner. But, after combining our scores, we crowned Guinness as the winner in terms of national brands, followed by Corona. For independent breweries, we picked Partake. Our lowest-scoring beer was Heineken.

In the end, I have to say I was impressed by how decent most of the non-alcoholic beers tasted. I mean, sure, they don’t taste as good as a regular beer. But at least you don’t find yourself waking up on a construction site the next morning, wearing a pair of underpants that aren’t yours. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience. Or maybe I am. Look, the early ‘90s were a wild time.

Do you agree with our rankings? Is there a brand you think is best? Leave a comment and spread the word!

What’s better than drinking beer? Eating it! Here’s a recipe for Beer Muffins from one of my old-time community cookbooks. All you need are 3 ingredients: Beer, Bisquick and sugar.

While a little on the dry side, these taste like a corn muffin and go great with - what else - a beer. My other beer mug features a poem which proves that the arts and alcohol are never far apart.

 “I have a few good reasons for drinking,

And one just entered my head.

If a man can’t drink when he’s living,

How the hell can he drink when he’s dead?”

Cheers to that!