Battle of the Snack Crackers

Let’s face it – snack crackers don’t always get the recognition they deserve. Think about all the times snack crackers have been there for you. While you’re microwaving your dinner. When you come home after too many wine spritzers. When you need to preoccupy your mouth during awkward office parties. Without snack crackers, you’d have to eat hot crab dip with your fingers, which is not only unsanitary, but could also lead to severe burns. 

On a recent shopping trip to No Frills, I noticed Christie snack crackers were on sale for only two bucks a box. So I bought seven different kinds to taste test and rank. I didn’t buy Triscuits or Ritz crackers, which already hog too much of the spotlight, IMHO.

I’m sad to report that you won’t see Sour Cream and Chive crackers on this list. Christie doesn’t make them anymore, which is a damn shame. One of my favourite pastimes as a kid was licking off all the seasoning before eating them. I suppose this explains why no one talked to me at recess.

So which snack crackers reigned supreme and which weren’t all they were cracked up to be? Here are my rankings, from worst to best.

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Sociables

These crackers wouldn’t leave me alone. Let’s go to the movies. Let’s go dancing. We want to meet people, we spend all of our time in a box, it’s not fair. Blah, blah, blah. I guess what makes these distinct is that they come in different shapes.

I counted five shapes all together, although if you’re Catholic, you should only eat the crucifix-shaped one at Easter. In terms of flavour, Sociables were basically Ritz crackers. If the only thing that makes you unique is your shape, time to get back inside the box. Overall ranking: 7th

Cheese Bits

These were like the mini cheese logs from Bits & Bites (also known as Méli-Mélo on the other side of the bag), which make up the best part of the mix, although some people will go to their graves defending the Shreddies.

I didn’t get a lot of cheese flavour from these Bits, but the shapes made them fun to eat. Warning: don’t stick one up your nostril to see if it fits. Trust me on this one. Overall ranking: 6th

Bacon Dippers

I can’t say I got a real bacon taste but I did get a distinct smokey flavour. Like if someone passed you a cracker over an open flame and the cracker caught on fire and you threw it on the ground and stamped the flame out and then you ate the cracker. That kind of smoke. 

But overall, Bacon Dippers had a pleasing oval shape that reminded me of hallway mirrors. And they had a substantial texture that would hold the densest of French Onion dips. Overall ranking: 5th

Vegetable Thins

Light, crispy, buttery and salty, Vegetable Thins are a staple at any holiday party and come in two distinct shapes, which makes them the Yin and Yang of snack crackers. They just don’t taste like any vegetable I know. Not that I’m an expert.

The flecks of colour broke up the monotony of the beige, though, and eating an entire box gives you 1/16th of a full serving of vegetables. Overall ranking: 4th

Wheat Thins

These snack crackers have always seemed more sophisticated than others. It could be because of the Sandy Duncan endorsement. Or it could be because Wheat Thins don’t rely on cheap gimmicks, like vegetables or cheese. Instead they rely solely on the wholesome goodness of wheat.

Not only that, they have the word “thin” in them, so they’re also a diet food. Don’t feel bad if you eat the whole box. Overall, these were crisp and hearty crackers with a nutty flavour. No wonder Sandy liked them. Overall ranking: 3rd

Cheese Nips

These packed a more intense cheese flavour than Cheese Bits. Maybe because they’re thinner so there’s less air to compete with the cheese. In terms of the shape, the squares were a bit on the small side, so I had to cram seven or eight in at one time.

I appreciated the forked effect on the edges, which gave them a church basement chicken pot pie crust feel. The navel in the centre was a little disturbing, though. They also made my fingers greasy so it was hard typingasll 0asdfj000000=)))’asd fak;nasdf…..**alda’fd as’dl Overall ranking: 2nd

And coming in at Number One…

Swiss Cheese Crackers

These crackers are shaped like real pieces of Swiss cheese! They even have holes! Some of the holes weren’t punched all the way through, which was disappointing, because I couldn’t look out through them.

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Out of all the crackers I tried, these were by far the best. The Swiss cheese taste comes through loud and clear, they’re salty, but not too salty, and the texture is perfectly crisp. The only thing missing was a view of the Alps. Overall ranking: 1st

And there you go, friends. I hope this post makes you appreciate the snack crackers in your life a little more. May you always have a box within reach to get you through the tough times. Or until the microwave dings.