Well, here it is. The final week of Bazaar-o-Rama 2018. Pass me a tissue, will you? My only comforts are the treasures I found this past weekend. In the immortal words of Liz Taylor: “Better to have bazaared than never to have bazaared at all.” Or did she say better to have “Burtoned?” Anyway, you get the point.
Nut Tree. It’s a fact: People in the ‘70s didn’t eat nuts. Instead, they used them for crafts. Exhibit A: This nut tree. My family had one back in the day. That is, until one day when I got really, really hungry.
I could be wrong, but I think the Santa on top was a later edition, like when old paintings are x-rayed and they discover things like the Mona Lisa was originally wearing a tube top. This was three dollars. Folks, the nuts alone are worth twice that much.
Dishtowel Britches. I didn’t buy these for the tea towels. I bought them for the poetry, In case you can’t read it, here it is: Now don’t get excited, don’t be misled. These aren’t for you, but your dishes instead. Just pull on the bow, take out the stitches, You’ve gained two dish cloths, but lost your britches.” MOVE OVER EMILY DICKINSON. These were $3.50
Glass Dish. The older I get, the more I realize I’m on a mission to re-buy everything from my family home that I once thought was ugly. While not identical to the one we had on our coffee table, this glass dish is pretty close. And it was only three bucks! I’m going to fill it with mint melt-aways. And cigarette butts.
Heather’s Spritz Cookies. At first, I thought this said “Heather’s Sprite Cookies” so I got pretty excited. I’ve made a Pepsi cake before but cookies made with Sprite? That was a first! Anyway, turns out it’s Spritz, not Sprite. It’s important that everyone knows these are Heather’s cookies. Not Diane’s. Not Claire’s. And certainly not Anne’s, okay? They’re Heather’s. You got that? They were $1.50.
Dork Belt Buckle. What Madonna did with her Boy Toy buckle, I’m going to do with this. Only problem is it’s solid brass and pretty heavy. I just hope I can stand up straight while wearing it. The only way this would be cooler is if it said “dink.” This was 50 cents.
Beaded Ornaments. I paid too much for these. They were a buck a piece. Well, I guess you’re paying for the time that went into making them. I’ll put them on everyone’s Christmas gifts this year.
Impossible Pie. For those unaware, Impossible Pie is, in fact, possible. It’s called that because you toss a bunch of ingredients into a blender and, as it bakes, a crust, custard and top is formed. I KNOW RIGHT?!? Here’s the recipe. This mini version was pretty tasty and cost 3 dollars.
Hat and Mittens. For those of you who knit, why do you never knit things that are black or grey or navy? Why is everything pink or yellow or lavender? Please, just give a guy a neutral colour. This set came close, so I picked it up. It was priced at $15, but the knitter sold it to me for $10. Bazaars are the only place where they lower the price before you even have your wallet out.
Old Age Pills. My mom’s birthday is coming up so I bought these for her. But I’m taking out the red ones. I need them more than her.
Knit Socks. Last year, I went to a bazaar and (reluctantly) paid $20 for a pair of handmade socks. I ended up really liking them so I went back to the same bazaar this year to get another pair. Only this time, they were even MORE expensive. $25! Anyway, I took out a loan and got a pair. Not everything in life can cost a quarter. Paired with my new brown knit slippers, I look like a Lindt Excellence 90% Cacao Chocolate bar from the mid-calf down.
Christmas Bitch. All hail the Christmas Bitch! No, she will NOT spend time with your family this holiday season. And whatever you buy her better include a goddamn gift receipt. I paid a dollar for her. We all know she’s worth more than that. Especially her.
And that’s a wrap for 2018! Thank you for joining me on this exciting journey over the past month! It was great knowing both of you were along for the ride. Don’t forget to check out Weeks 1, 2 and 3 for more high-jinks.