My Gay Pig Cookie Cutter

I grabbed a set of Tupperware cookie cutters when we moved my mom out of the family home a number of years ago. She kept them in an old Ziploc bag. They’re a seasonal set, made for birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, etc. I don’t think she ever used them, though. I don't recall ever getting a cookie for my birthday. Not that anyone remembered.

My mom's Tupperware cookie set. Like new. Because they were never used.

My mom's Tupperware cookie set. Like new. Because they were never used.

The problem was that the set was missing the rabbit. And this bugged me. For years. An incomplete cookie cutter set can keep me awake most nights. But I wasn’t about to pay a fortune for the rabbit on eBay.

So imagine my joy when, while canvassing a church rummage sale a few weeks ago, I spotted the rabbit in a basket of assorted cookie cutters! Best of all? It was only a quarter. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – elderly church folk have no idea the gold mine they’re sitting on.

The holy grail. And only 25 cents.

The holy grail. And only 25 cents.

The trouble was that Easter had just come and gone, which meant I’d have to wait another year before using the rabbit. 

But then I thought, what rule says you can only make rabbit cookies at Easter? Or Santa cookies at Christmas? Who says you can’t make jack-o-lantern cookies in April? Life is too short to sit around waiting for the holidays to show up. So I whipped up some gingerbread dough and made the entire set. 

Sometimes rolled-out dough can resemble continents. This one looked like Cuba to me.

Sometimes rolled-out dough can resemble continents. This one looked like Cuba to me.

And here are the cookies.

That bowl cut will never get him laid.

That bowl cut will never get him laid.

The saddest star to ever sit atop a Christmas tree.

The saddest star to ever sit atop a Christmas tree.

I never received one of these as a kid.

I never received one of these as a kid.

This cookie smelled like Halloween Kisses. A.k.a. the worst Halloween candy ever. 

This cookie smelled like Halloween Kisses. A.k.a. the worst Halloween candy ever. 

Good job Santa has his sleigh to get around, what with those deformed feet and all. 

Good job Santa has his sleigh to get around, what with those deformed feet and all. 

Last, but not least.

Last, but not least.

Later, I found out some distressing news. I was still missing two cutters from the set: a turkey and a pig. So I went on eBay and found someone who was selling the turkey, the pig and, ironically, the rabbit. I paid $20 including shipping. I guess that’s not so terrible. And I’m sleeping through the night. 

Here they are. 

Here they are. 

The cutters arrived the other day. The first thing I did was clean them. When you buy anything from eBay, you need to clean it really well. I assume that people urinate on everything before mailing it. Get into those crevices with a toothbrush. Use bleach, Lysol, sodium hydroxide, whatever. Just clean that pee up.

Make sure you wash your toothbrush really good before putting it back in the bathroom.

Make sure you wash your toothbrush really good before putting it back in the bathroom.

Once my cutters were good and clean, I made cookies with them. As I rolled out the dough, I wondered about the pig. Specifically, why was there a pig in a seasonal cookie cutter set? On what holiday would you give someone a pig cookie? Have I been offending people by not wishing them a Happy Hog Day all these years?

Happy Hog Day, y'all!

Happy Hog Day, y'all!

There was something else: the pig seemed gay. Like, really gay. Look at the way he’s posing. His one arm (or is it a hoof?) tucked behind his back, the coy, come hither bend of his knees. I don’t think the pig is female. Otherwise, Tupperware would’ve put a bow on her head, like Daisy Duck. Who, by the way, waddles around wearing no pants. Don’t get me started.

Hay...

Hay...

Here's the turkey. I gobbled it up. (Sorry.)

Here's the turkey. I gobbled it up. (Sorry.)

While I may never know why there’s a gay pig in my Tupperware seasonal set, I have learned three things as a result of this experience:

1) My set is finally complete.
2) You can make seasonal cookies whenever the hell you feel like it.
3) Honey Boo Boo isn't the only one with a gay pig

I ate too many cookies. Now I feel like a pig. (Sorry.)

I ate too many cookies. Now I feel like a pig. (Sorry.)